Dating Column, Written for the Cardozo Jurist

March, 2012

It was undoubtedly a pack of confused men that first uttered the idiom, ‘if chivalry is dead, it was feminists who killed it.’  While there may be more than a just a nugget of truth in those words, they perfectly point to the normativity and prevalence of male confusion in modern dating.  But can they be blamed?

It isn’t really men’s fault that they have no idea what the hell they’re doing.  Perhaps feminism has in fact made things too complicated for them.  After all, what can be gleaned from women’s contradictory messages of the demand for equal pay in the work place, followed by the breast-solicit of free drinks at the bar?  Ultimately, men must wonder, can we still open doors for women without causing a glass ceiling to crash down upon them?  Modern men have erred on the side of, ‘no,’ because they were born after a generation that learned the hard way, separate but equal is inherently unequal.  And so non-separated equality for women in the work place has extended to non-differentiating equality in dating as well.

Practically, this means that modern women—pursuing the makings of success—should no longer expect to be pursued romantically.  For if we are indeed just as capable of proactively achieving our goals, why should men sweat to make the first move?  And if we work just as hard for our paychecks, how can we in turn expect to be taken care of financially?  After all, when it comes down to it, isn’t chivalry—nonchalantly covering large dinner bills, holding open heavy and solid doors, placing warm coats upon cold shoulders—nothing but the vestiges of a condescension toward women, the weaker, frailer, and unable-to-earn sex?

This, of course, is all a load of femi-nazi malarkey.  Men and women can, and should, be equals in the workplace.  Along identical lines, they can, and should, be equals within personal relationships.  But what all that has to do with being the same as one another, I will never know.  For, just as racial equality has never meant an eradication of racial diversity and differences, neither has gender equality ever meant gender sameness.  In the end, most (if not all) men still want to feel like men, and most (if not all) women still want to feel like women. 

Comprehending the distinction between equality and sameness is certainly demanding, but it is far from an impossible feat.  Central to this balance is mutual respect.  And this, ladies and gentlemen, is what chivalry is all about.  Gentlemen, holding out a chair for your lady friend or occasionally buying her a drink can mean that you both respect her as an equal and that you appreciate that she is a woman.  And ladies, constantly complaining that men are pigs, stupid, or lazy really doesn’t help the situation.  In fact, it makes you seem pretty insecure about your positions in society as women.  Finally, the way to realize mutual respect is through careful and nuanced listening.  Some women don’t like to be doted on, and others do; some women bask in the glow of a free-drinks-high, and others recoil in disgust.  By listening to one another with open ears and open minds, and by carefully unpacking gendered needs and nuanced desires, we accomplish an equality that retains differentiation without treading into separation.